chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...

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What did the 12 year old Pakistani girl get for her birthday? Pregnant.

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Me (Vapeman) I AM the joke

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How does a chav turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.

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As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

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After catching a cold I went to see my doctor. He said I should spend most of the day in bed, drink a lot and not do any exercise. I've followed his advice but I'm still feeling a bit poorly so I think I should go see him again. After all, its been 10 years.

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While many complain about life in general and the cost of living, etc. I'm having a great time of it at the moment. I'm sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000. Right now, I'm so happy, with no worries, and am in such a great place that even the staff at Harrods, who keep asking me to leave, can't spoil my day.

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If your wife's mother just died, how long should you console her for? It's just that my chips are getting cold.

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Just went to the off-licence and the guy behind the counter wished me a Merry Christmas. Like he's not going to see me 15 more times before then.

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My girlfriend found out that I'm an organ trafficker. "How can you do that?," she screamed, "you don't have a heart." "Actually, I have four," I replied.

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My son has the same colour eyes as my wife. Neither of them have learnt to duck when they piss me off.

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I just finished watching "100 Greatest Sexy Moments" on Channel 4, what a load of rubbish! How did the greenhouse scene from Scum not make the list?

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An alien walks into a bar. He's 9 foot tall, bright green, silver suit, 28 tentacles, the whole shebang. Everyone's stunned into silence, however the landlord who's used to keeping his cool says, "Welcome stranger. Would you like a pint of bitter?" "No thank you," says the alien "I'm into Stella."

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I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

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I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

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An alien from the planet Zarg walks into a small country pub. "I'll have a pint please," he says with a smile. The barman says, "We don't serve aliens in here." "If you serve me," replies the alien, "I'll buy everyone in here a pint." "Sorry mate, can't do it. It's against the brewery's policy," replies the barman. "What about if you invite the whole town for drinks, make it a free bar, and I foot the bill at the end of the night?" The pound signs light up in the barmans eyes: "Ok, you're on." By the end of the night, everyone, including the alien, is pissed. The barman says, "That'll be seven grand please mate!" The alien pulls his wallet out and says, "Have you got change for a Zonk?"

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I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

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A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

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Nine out of ten voices in my head say I'm not crazy. The other one is humming the Tetris theme.

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Girls with a leg amputated are the most likely to cheat on you. They'll hop on anybody.

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Labour MPs …because not all gimps wear a mask

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My wife Ruth just left me after 27 years of marriage. people said it was because I was too caring, but now I'm Ruthless

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So i've decked the halls as the song suggested. Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

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My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow. I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

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Exotic foods: English - Pot Noodle. Cambodian - Pol Pot Noodle. Korean - Dog Noodle. Scottish - Och aye The Noo-dle.

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"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green. " I said. "I didn't know snooker was still on, I thought it had finished, " replied my wife. "It has, " I answered, "I'm watching the council bin man. "

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My wife as looking at an evening dress in an expensive shop, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said. "Yes, " I replied, "I wonder if they have it in your shape. "

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Waiter: "What would sir like to drink?" Guy: "Oh what non alcoholic beers are there?" Waiter: "Would you like crayons and a colouring book with that?"

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All 7 dwarfs were on a bus feeling grumpy. So Grumpy got off.

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I came home from work and found my girlfriend dressed in a cute little police uniform. She said, “YOU’RE UNDER ARREST ON A CHARGE OF BEING AMAZING IN BED!!!” Two minutes later she had to drop the charges due to lack of evidence.

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A scouse couple was on their first date, decided to go to a vegan restaurant. Looking at the menu, the man asks; "Eh love do you like avacado?" Women replies: "No, I haven't even passed me driving test"

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According to my chocolate advent calendar, it's two days until Christmas

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I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.

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Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

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A man came into my antique shop earlier today and made an offer for a vase. We haggled for a bit, then he said, "What's the lowest you're prepared to go?" So I showed him photos of me wearing a gimp mask with the wife sh***ing in my mouth.'

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me.."I'm trying to get over my addiction to calendar stealing." bob. "How's it going?" me,,"Not bad. I'm taking it one day at a time".

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Last christmas eve I left the pub early, thought I should get home early while its christmas. Anyway, I found the missus sprawled out on the bed in a sexy santa outfit, gripping her left tit and moaning, just then the wardrobe door opened and Harry my next door neighbour came out with just a santa hat on and a white beard. I shouted Harry FFS, the wifes having an heart attack here and your trying to frighten her...sheesh!

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I rang the paranoia society this morning. The girl at the other end said How did you get this number?

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Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

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Statistically 5 out 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.

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When it comes to Christmas cookery shows Delia Smith pisses all over Nigella Lawson. Thanks, AI porn generator.

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This Christmas tree I bought is terrible. I haven't seen this many needles on the ground since I walked past Ibrox.

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You're old if you remember seeing this as the top Joke for many years.... Statistically 9 out 10 people enjoy gang rape.

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Just saw my first Christmas jumper. He leapt off the multi-storey car park.

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A factory which makes prosthetic limbs for overweight people was broken into last night. Police have warned the public not to approach the culprits if they see them as they will be heavily armed.

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Spare a thought for all the people who will be homeless this Christmas. Prince Andrew for example.

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So the Government rolling out big time facial recognition cameras....I wouldn't be surprised that in a few years they'll even be including White faces.

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Every year for Christmas my grandma buys me big black vibrating anal toys. Well, actually she gives me Amazon vouchers but that's what I spend them on.

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Statistics suggest that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape! (Let's get some of the old classics posted back up).

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Just got myself a second hand diver's watch. I'd have had the drowned cunt's scuba tanks too if they weren't so heavy.

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I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW. Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later.

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I'm glad to see King Charles hosting a state visit with Germany's president. Cheers, big ears!

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During the cold weather the fire service have advised not to plug electric heaters into extension leads as it may cause a fire. Fucking idiots. Fire obviously makes your house warmer.

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We were watching a film on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen top and starts to make love to her, "Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens. " "I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that gets fucked in our kitchen is the food. "

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Easily stop your wife from sucking her thumb by drawing a cock on it.

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I hate being dyslexic, especially at Christmas. I've had so many punches and slaps because I often get 'Cameltoe' and Mistletoe' mixed up. But you try explaining that to a judge.

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BBC News: King Charles welcomes German president on state visit. He said "Didn't you guys used to have kings too? Oh, now I remember. This chemo really messes with my memory."

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My new girlfriend said I should buy her some flowers. I said why spend money on something that's going to be dead in a few days?

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I went to see my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

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Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

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What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't.................................

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My wife found out I’d replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

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An Amazon driver asked me the time...I said it's between 9am and 8pm

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I'm just a sensitive lover unlearning trauma. A S.L.U.T. if you will.

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Supergalley, thanks again for setting this up. Ive got a ton of old jokes from the old siki (going back more than 10 years) and I will post em here periodically. Also, i'm a network administrator, not sure if you need one of them but if my skills can help your site then i'm happy to help.

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If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

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What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

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A reporter asked a bomb disposal expert, "How stressful is your job?" "It's not," he replied, "either I'm right or suddenly it's not my problem."

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NURSERY RHYMES UPDATED FOR THE 21st CENTURY Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won ten grand with Claims Direct. It's raining, it's pouring Of course it’s global warming. Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties Now he can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes. Georgie Porgie pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry When the boys came out to play He kissed them too coz he was gay. Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon 10,000 volts went up it's arse And turned it's wool to nylon.

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I was raised as an only child ...which I think was hard for my sister.

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I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane

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I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins. I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden…

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Q: What do you get a pregnant teen for Christmas? A: A coat hanger.

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Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

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How can you tell if its your turn to do the washing up? Look down your trousers and if you've got a dick it isn't your turn.

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St. Peter's standing at the Pearly Gates, and he spies a little brown face coming up the escalator. A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be wanting to come into heaven thankyou' 'Look mate', says St. Peter 'It doesn't work that way, you're a muslim, aren't you' 'Yes, being a good muslim thankyou' 'No mate, look I'm sorry. You just can't come in, you're off down there' 'I am GOOD muslim. Wanting to be coming in please' 'You can't be a good muslim, how?' 'But AM GOOD muslim. I am even giving things to charity all the time' St. Peter sighs. 'Like what?' The Pakistani stands up proudly. 'Only last week, I am giving twenty pounds to the children in need' St. Peter considers this for a second and finally resigns himself to the fact that this chap deserves a bit of his time. 'Right, fine, okay" he sighs, "You win. I'll go and have a word with God, wait here' So off he trots wearily through the Pearly Gates, and returns a couple of hours later. He walks back up to the Pakistani and says 'Right, I've had a chat with God about you and it's all sorted.' 'Here's your twenty quid back, now Fuck Off'.

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It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights. It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.” Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” “I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child. “Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam. “I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog. The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him. After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?” “Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and HE’S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!”

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"How bad is it doc?," I asked. "Well," he replied, "all you have to do is stop drinking and do some exercise." "So it's terminal then," I sighed.

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How do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend? Shit in her cunt.

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An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wank hole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says. 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunt's blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".' 'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit-box you get crap on your bell end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it !!!'

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A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps so the doctor examines her and does some tests. He says, "you're going to have to get used to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing nappies" "Why? Am I Pregnant?" "No" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer.

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People are like sharks. The great ones are white

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Why copy sickipedia, dude? You copycat. Create something original

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thanks for setting up the site Supergalley...i'll be posting some old sicki jokes soon :)

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The wife asked me what I had bought her mother for her birthday. I told her I’d made her a booby trapped flashbang grenade. The wife said that she would hate it, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it!

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What do you get if you cross Star Trek with a gay porno? Star Trek Discovery

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I’m not saying Katie Price is a slapper, but she only wears knickers to keep her ankles warm

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Of course the real Joker is the guy that released Folie et deux as a sequel to a movie worth actually watching

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Coming up: the Tory party leadership contest. Conservative members get their chance to pick who will lead them to defeat against Nigel Farage in 2029.

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Parcel force tried to deliver me a coffin today. I said, "That's the last thing I need"

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A woman has been shot dead in a pub in Wallasey, Merseyside. The coroner has recorded a verdict of ‘natural causes’ due to the area she died in.

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Another year I’ve managed to avoid watching the Bore-O-Vision Nonce Contest. Who won? I did

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It’s no wonder sir Queer Stoma thinks he’s almighty. Whenever anyone sees him coming towards them, they cover their eyes and say out loud, “Oh God!!!”

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While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?" Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No." "Is that your final answer?" I asked. "Yes," she said firmly. "Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend." And that’s when the fight began.

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Constipation isn’t my favourite health condition. But it’s definitely a solid number two.

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If going into space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut, then I'm a gynaecologist

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I just saved money on my car insurance by switching to reverse gear and getting the fuck out of there before they got my number plate.

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One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel. I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered. Without turning around she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"

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Not long til Oscar Pistoreus will be returning to the Paralympics. Did anyone see how Reeva Steenkamp did in the Paranormalympics this year?

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The BBC have just held a minutes’ silence for all the people who have died of Coronavirus. Not quite as emotional as the 40 years of silence they had for victims of child sexual abuse by their staff

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Statistically- nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape

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