The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

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I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

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Nobody was interested in my carpentry class. Then I offered to teach them how to make glory holes. Now they're all coming out of the woodwork.

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My wife left me today. I'm gutted, I'd just bought a seesaw.

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For Sale: Bottles of sauce. HP available.

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I keep having horrible nightmares about fruit machines. My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then she holds me.

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This dry January is getting really hard now.

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My wife kicked me out last night for being drunk and "out of control." Fucking pathetic allowing women to be bouncers anyway.

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I was mugged last night by a boy with a knife. The police think he was local as the knife still had butter on it.

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I've ate so much food over Christmas that i had to phone a midwife tonight to help me go to the toilet.

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Statistically- nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape

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Why copy sickipedia, dude? You copycat. Create something original

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