An Amazon driver asked me the time...I said it's between 9am and 8pm

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"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green. " I said. "I didn't know snooker was still on, I thought it had finished, " replied my wife. "It has, " I answered, "I'm watching the council bin man. "

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Waiter: "What would sir like to drink?" Guy: "Oh what non alcoholic beers are there?" Waiter: "Would you like crayons and a colouring book with that?"

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Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

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Nine out of ten voices in my head say I'm not crazy. The other one is humming the Tetris theme.

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A man came into my antique shop earlier today and made an offer for a vase. We haggled for a bit, then he said, "What's the lowest you're prepared to go?" So I showed him photos of me wearing a gimp mask with the wife sh***ing in my mouth.'

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Statistically 5 out 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.

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An alien from the planet Zarg walks into a small country pub. "I'll have a pint please," he says with a smile. The barman says, "We don't serve aliens in here." "If you serve me," replies the alien, "I'll buy everyone in here a pint." "Sorry mate, can't do it. It's against the brewery's policy," replies the barman. "What about if you invite the whole town for drinks, make it a free bar, and I foot the bill at the end of the night?" The pound signs light up in the barmans eyes: "Ok, you're on." By the end of the night, everyone, including the alien, is pissed. The barman says, "That'll be seven grand please mate!" The alien pulls his wallet out and says, "Have you got change for a Zonk?"

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After catching a cold I went to see my doctor. He said I should spend most of the day in bed, drink a lot and not do any exercise. I've followed his advice but I'm still feeling a bit poorly so I think I should go see him again. After all, its been 10 years.

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While many complain about life in general and the cost of living, etc. I'm having a great time of it at the moment. I'm sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000. Right now, I'm so happy, with no worries, and am in such a great place that even the staff at Harrods, who keep asking me to leave, can't spoil my day.

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