Our family were so poor that my mother used to send me next door with a button and ask our neighbour to sew a shirt on it.

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It had been playing on my mind for some time and I just had to find out. ' Mum, am I adopted? ' I asked. ' No,son ' she replied. 'We did put you up for adoption once but nobody wanted you.'

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A bloke shouted across the lake..:"how do I get to the other side"?.. I shouted back....." Your on the other side"!

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My ambition was to be a gynaecologist. But I failed the entrance exam.

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Just paid £4000 for a year's membership to the reincarnation society! Fuck it YOLO

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I was at the checkout, with two fully laden trollies, when I noticed an old lady behind me with only a pint of milk. "Is that all you've got?," I asked. "Yes," she smiled. "Well, you'd better find another till. I'm going to be fucking ages," I said.

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When my father died,all he left me was an atlas. It meant the world to me.

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I went for a walk through the park and I kept on hearing, ' Mark ', ' Mark,Mark '. Five minutes later I found a dog with a hare lip tied to a lamppost.

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I had been stranded on a desert island for weeks and I couldn't believe my eyes when Scarlett Johansson was washed ashore. Within two weeks we were having mind blowing sex every night. One day I asked her if she could pretend to be my best friend Dave and she agreed. I went for a walk and when I came back I said, ' Fuckin' hell Dave, you'll never guess who I'm shagging. '

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My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us.

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Met a very friendly Arab chap when I was on holiday in Dubai. Sheikh Mahand.

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It's always better to give than receive. Especially if you are in prison.

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Picked up a Chinese last night. He was very fucking angry.

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Me and my old limbo dancing group decided to have a reunion. We go back a long way.

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