Our family were so poor that my mother used to send me next door with a button and ask our neighbour to sew a shirt on it.

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It had been playing on my mind for some time and I just had to find out. ' Mum, am I adopted? ' I asked. ' No,son ' she replied. 'We did put you up for adoption once but nobody wanted you.'

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This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.

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A bloke shouted across the lake..:"how do I get to the other side"?.. I shouted back....." Your on the other side"!

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I was at the checkout, with two fully laden trollies, when I noticed an old lady behind me with only a pint of milk. "Is that all you've got?," I asked. "Yes," she smiled. "Well, you'd better find another till. I'm going to be fucking ages," I said.

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When my father died,all he left me was an atlas. It meant the world to me.

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Just discovered that I am a victim of identity theft. Be warned,there are now two irritating cunts out there!

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Handy Tip. To avoid any confusion with the keys to your house,get a pink one for the front door and a brown one for the back door.

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How many animals can you fit in a pair of tights? Two calf's, ten piggies, one ass, a beaver and a fish you can never find!

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Got a fetish for old slags? Join Instagran

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Picked up a Chinese last night. He was very fucking angry.

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Me and my old limbo dancing group decided to have a reunion. We go back a long way.

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Which singer had a fear of sunlight? Gladys Knight.

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Our managers brought in a motivational speaker to encourage us to do better. He said, ' It's very important to say what you feel.' I said, ' Fuck you! '

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I attended my first Flatulence Anonymous group meeting last week. The Co-ordinator told us that the windows and door must be kept open whilst the meeting is being held.

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