My mate has OCD, so I bought him a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

0 comments

If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..

0 comments

After cutting my female neighbours grass she knocked on my door and said "Thank you, I could marry you!" What's the world coming to, you do something nice for someone and they threaten to fuck your life up beyond belief?

0 comments

A young mum I know posted on Facebook "My toddler crawled under the garden fence today lol. Nails and wood will be out tomorrow." xxx I thought, fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh for just doing that ......

1 comment

I said to my mate, "Did you know that hamsters die after sex?" "I don't think they do," he replied. "Well, the one I fucked did," I said.

0 comments

When my wife saw my face, after all this time, she burst into tears. It was then that she realised... Witness Protection is a joke.

0 comments

I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

0 comments

What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

0 comments

I know a chap who works for the FBI.. He pretends to be a 13 year old girl and chats online to child molesters and stalkers all day.. I don't know what he does for the FBI.

0 comments

I will never forgive my sister for marrying a black man. Every time we have a family photograph he sticks out like a turd in a fruit bowl.

1 comment

We went to the local Bulimic Awareness Realization Foundation meeting yesterday...or barf for short. You can bring up anything you want.

0 comments

China to re-educate Muslim men. "First well teach them how to use soap and water, then we'll set about this shit they believe in, " a government spokesman commented.

0 comments

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped, I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air. "Please, please, " he pleaded, "don't let me drop, " "Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up? " I asked, "Yes, yes, of course I will, " he said. So I let him go, I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.

0 comments

After years of not speaking to my neighbour thinking he was a bit of a twat, turns out he's a brilliant bloke. He's run off with my wife.

0 comments

Did you know that Raheem Sterling and Marcus Rashford both had the same nickname at school? Nigger.

1 comment

For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.

0 comments

My cunt of a neighbour is forever putting a knife in my sons footballs if they go in his garden. Anyway, I got my own back today, his toddler got into my garden

0 comments

I was once bitten on the arse by a German Shepherd, but he apologised afterwards and even introduced me to his dog.

0 comments

There is one thing that white men and black men do have in common. They don't like bringing up black kids.

0 comments

I saw loose women today for the first time in ages. I left my dungeon door open.

0 comments

A chap said..." Do you want the winner of the Grand National "? I said "No thanks,I've only got a small garden "!

0 comments

Whenever I asked my son what he wanted to do when he was older, he'd always say, "Fighter pilot!" On our holiday he was lucky to be invited into the cockpit. He's now also facing assault charges on the co-pilot and two cabin staff.

0 comments

You can only call it a blowjob if you are a prostitute/sex worker.

0 comments

I can feel the hamster crawling down towards my anus. Imagine his surprise when he finds his exit blocked by a tramp's tongue.

0 comments

I always remember getting through to the final of the Blow Football competition. I ended up playing the guy who had won it for the past 10 years. Just after the match started he had an asthma attack. I won 35-0!

0 comments

I sometimes find myself crying when I have sex. It all depends if the woman has pepper spray.

0 comments

She had a gorgeous body and a pretty face but I knew we wouldn't be together long because of her hair. It had fallen out due to chemotherapy.

0 comments

A poem for Burns' night: There's a certain host of Loose Women Whom I would like to take swimming When she's all nice and clean I'll tickle her bean and give her one hell of a rimming.

0 comments

One of Mick Jagger's relatives has disappeared. Wonder if they will re-release Miss You

0 comments

Just donated £20 to buy some mosquito nets for Africa. It's not fair on on them when they keep catching Aids off all the niggers

0 comments

United Kingdom HMS His Majesty's Ship United States of America USS United States Ship Italy DMB Dat'sa Ma Boat

0 comments

My local is doing a 'Renee Good cocktail'. Three shots with a dash of blood orange

0 comments

I feel for Broklyn Beecham or whatever he's called, my mother-in law ruined our first dance at our wedding back in 1977 by not being dead.

0 comments

A friend of mine survived a fall from 20,000 feet out of a plane. It was when he hit the ground that killed him.

0 comments