I recently discovered that a man has been sending my wife sexy lingerie in the post. All I'll say is this: Watch your back, John Lewis. Watch your fucking back.

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I went on an African Safari and got lost. Somehow,I stumbled across a tribe that rarely makes contact with society. ' What do you do with yourselves all day? ' I asked the chief. ' We hunt and fuck, ' he replied. ' What do you hunt, ' I enquired. ' Anything we can fuck, ' he said.

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I'm not saying I'm a hard bastard... but my birth mark is shaped like a coat hanger.

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I was so hungover this morning I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I turned it on.

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A black man picks up a white woman in a nightclub. When they get home the woman says, ' Come on then,show me what they say about black men is true.' So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

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There's a big orange rabbit walking round our village telling everyone that I'm not taking my medication.

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I saw a black man with seven fingers today. Turns out he was eating a Kit-Kat.

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Me: "Go fuck yourself, you cunt." Lady in the queue: "Excuse me, my 10 year old son can hear you." Me: "That's who I was talking to."

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When the waiter brought my meal to the table I said, ' Why have you got your thumb on the steak? ' ' I don't want to drop it again,sir ' he replied.

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What's blue and smells of Holly? Huntley's cock!

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I saw a man break the World Record for holding your breath underwater in our local swimming pool yesterday. He was at the deep end when a little girl at the shallow end shouted, ' that's him Dad. '

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Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays? Because he puts his fags out in the pool

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I was watching some children playing in the park. The bloke next to me said, "Mines the little girl playing with her doll. Which one's yours?" "I don't know," I replied, "I haven't decided yet."

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

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Had a bad hangover this morning so I had a Berocca. It didn't really help but it did make the vodka taste better.

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2 condoms walk past a gay bar ... ...one says to the other "want to go in there and get shit-faced"

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I got fired from the golf club today. A group of 6 women came in and all I asked was "18 holes?"

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What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic!

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Evel Knievel's deep south cousin is attempting to emulate his achievements and set a new world record. Ku Klux Knievel will be attempting to jump over 30 niggers using a steamroller.

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I had to see my GP yesterday with dizzy spells, he has told me that I need to masturbate more often. Well, what he actually said was "Mr Goch, you may have a stroke any time!"

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1990s - two fellas talking in the pub: "My grandfather turned 100 last week, still got all his marbles, had a telegram from the Queen." "That's nothing, my niece turned 15, got a phone call from Prince Andrew!"

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Good often prevails from adversity. Like on the dole Emirates Airline hostesses starting an Only Fans page, because no fucker wants go there anymore.

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Spare a thought for the unlucky, rich show offs, who chose to go to an Arabic country for some winter sun, and hope that a drone doesn't destroy their plane on the way home. Sent from my I-phone in Benidorm

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What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail.

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Why is the bible like a penis? You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

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I called in at a village pub for a quiet pint. When I went to the toilet I couldn't believe my eyes. There was a man leaning over the sink and a ginger haired bloke shagging him up the arse.There was also another man shagging the ginger haired bloke up the arse at the same time. When I went back to the bar and told the barman what I had seen he just shrugged his shoulders and said the ginger haired bloke was quite lucky at dominoes as well.

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OBLITERATED?? It appears that Iran's nuclear program grew back almost as fast as his ear.

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Many people are unaware that Jimmy Savile was an accomplished musician. He started fiddling at an early age.

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What should you do if a bird craps on your car? Never take her out again

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When you're working in a coal mine, how do you know where you left the spade? When he opens his mouth.

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