My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."

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"Do you think I'm sexy with lingerie on or completely naked?," asked my wife. "No," I replied.

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My missus has just told me that shaving takes the weight off my face. So I suggested she shave her arse.

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When my wife saw my face, after all this time, she burst into tears. It was then that she realised... Witness Protection is a joke.

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My wife makes my heart skip a beat every time I see her. Wish I'd never bought her that Tazer to be honest.

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My wife asks me, "What do you like most about me, my pretty face, or my sexy body?" I looked at her and said, "I like your sense of humour!"

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"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife. "Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle. "I've finished, " I replied.

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I got up this morning and my wife was sat under the tree stark naked with her legs wide open, "Come get your Christmas present, " she said. "Can you take it back tomorrow and get me a smaller size?" I asked.

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Girlfriend: "Hold me, wrap your arms around me and never let me go." Wife: "Your knee is on my side of the fucking bed again!"

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I came home to find my wife on her hands and knees. "What's wrong?," I asked. "I've got chest pains," she replied. "You're kneeling on your tits," I said.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish everything I start. So far today, I’ve finished a bag of chips, a bottle of gin, and my marriage. I feel lighter already

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My son has the same colour eyes as my wife. Neither of them have learnt to duck when they piss me off.

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My dish washer is broke. So I've just lent the wife £20

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By the end of it, I get really sick of seeing my wife's face light up all over Christmas. Fat cow is always opening in the fridge door.

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My wife as looking at an evening dress in an expensive shop, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said. "Yes, " I replied, "I wonder if they have it in your shape. "

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If your wife's mother just died, how long should you console her for? It's just that my chips are getting cold.

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The wife asked me what I had bought her mother for her birthday. I told her I’d made her a booby trapped flashbang grenade. The wife said that she would hate it, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it!

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