Paedophiles are nasty, irritating bastards.But,to be fair,you will never see them speeding near schools or nurseries.

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"Who's a pretty boy then,?" I said, as I pushed a dry cracker through the bars of the cage. "I want my mummy," he sobbed.

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I'm always left rather disappointed when they release a new batch of Epstein's photo's... None of them show a 12 year old's minge.

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Abdul at work was proper upset, "What's up mate?" I asked him. "It's my wife, " he said, "we had a serious row last night, she proper spit the dummy. " "Oh dear, " I replied, "never mind, I'm sure you can pop by Mothercare on your way home and pick her a new one up. "

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I was watching some children playing in the park. The bloke next to me said, "Mines the little girl playing with her doll. Which one's yours?" "I don't know," I replied, "I haven't decided yet."

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Paedophiles and clocks. They both don't go past twelve.

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A lot of people don't like Jimmy Savile but when I met him we had a great time. He blindfolded me and I had to guess the weight of two snooker balls in a bag.

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Londons burning actor sentenced to eight and half years for sex offences…I don’t think it will be London that’s burning for the next few years

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I've created a social media site where adult men can lie about their age and and talk to children. Instagroom.

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I’ll never forget the first time I saw my wife’s chocolate starfish… That nappy was a mess.

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Many people are unaware that Jimmy Savile was an accomplished musician. He started fiddling at an early age.

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What's blue and smells of Holly? Huntley's cock!

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I saw a man break the World Record for holding your breath underwater in our local swimming pool yesterday. He was at the deep end when a little girl at the shallow end shouted, ' that's him Dad. '

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Never get so called fresh meat from butchers which carry the royal seal of approval. It's usually 15 years old.

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Andy's been told he might get twelve years. Got quite excited apparently.

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The hardest thing about being a paedophile is, fitting in.

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My niece wanted to play catch. She caught my AIDS.

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Dear sir/Madam, I know police seem to look younger as we age, but the copper who came to arrest the paedophile next door looked so young the peado got excited about it. Prince Andrew. Epstien Island.

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What did the 12 year old Pakistani girl get for her birthday? Pregnant.

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My girlfriend is 18 and quite a bit younger than me. When we went to the pub last night everyone started calling me nonce and paedo. It was quite upsetting and completely spoiled our tenth anniversary.

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