I asked Emily Blunt out on a date. She said "No, fuck off you ugly cunt."

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So i've decked the halls as the song suggested. Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

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Paul Hardcastle's son has died in a motorcycle accident. He was n-n-n-n-n-n-not very old, 35 in fact.

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The Duchess of Cambridge has been keen to show off her piano skills this Christmas. Much like when the Queen played at Diana's funeral.

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A poem for Burns' night: There's a certain host of Loose Women Whom I would like to take swimming When she's all nice and clean I'll tickle her bean and give her one hell of a rimming.

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Jesy Nelson told her twin babies may 'never walk'. Little Crips?

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Fool if you think it's over... It is now!

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William H. Macy is a great actor. Like in Fargo he really had me convinced he was a pathetic swindler.

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When it comes to Christmas cookery shows Delia Smith pisses all over Nigella Lawson. Thanks, AI porn generator.

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BBC News: King Charles welcomes German president on state visit. He said "Didn't you guys used to have kings too? Oh, now I remember. This chemo really messes with my memory."

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"Taylor Swift reveals moment she broke down over Southport attack in new documentary." Oh that poor millionaire. Dry your eyes with some $100 notes etc.

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I’m not saying Katie Price is a slapper, but she only wears knickers to keep her ankles warm

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