You know it was a good Christmas party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.

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I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

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At this time of year, spare a thought for those who struggle to put food on the table. Midgets?

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I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

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To all those who received a book off me for Christmas: they're due back at the library on the 2nd of January.

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Well that's all the Christmas presents put in their correct place. Ebay.

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What's red and white and flies through the air on Christmas Eve? Depressed American people's brains.

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Where's the place that little people create Christmas toys for all the good girls and boys? China.

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What do they sing at woke Christmas parties? We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, And we know where you live! 🎅🎄❄️☃️🎁🦌

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Old? Alone this Christmas? That's society's way of tellng you you're a cunt.

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This Christmas tree I bought is terrible. I haven't seen this many needles on the ground since I walked past Ibrox.

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It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. No, it would be Chrita.

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Old, but gold. A man and his wife are invited to a fancy dress Christmas party. 🌲 But the wife has a headache and declines. So the man dons his reindeer 🦌 costume, and heads off to the party. About 2 hours later, the wife's headache clears. So she decides to go to the party. She puts on her ☃️ snowman costume and goes to the party. She sees her husband, drunk off his ass, and dancing with 2 young ladies. So she decides to play a trick on him, and tempt him. Now, he has no idea it's his wife behind the snowman costume. But she manages to lure him into a bedroom where they have a wild time. However, she is irate at her husband's infidelity. Afterwards, she returns home, removes her costume and climbs into bed. Around midnight the husband comes home. Wife: did you have a nice time? Husband: it was ok. Wife: are you sure you didn't have a NICE time? Husband: I told you, it was ok. When I got there, I suddenly wasn't in the mood to party as you weren't there. So I went into the garden with Bill and Steve to play poker. Wife: Really? Husband: Yeah. Oh by the way, I lent my reindeer costume to your dad. He told me as I was leaving he'd had a blast.

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The council told me to take my 12-foot high inflatable light-up animatronic Rudolf out of the garden. I said "Be reasonable, he tried to negotiate peace in 1941."

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I was at a work Christmas party until after midnight. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I quietly got undressed and started to sneak up. "What the fuck are you doing,?" asked the bus driver.

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For Christmas this year my son wants Transformers and my daughter wants a jigsaw. Luckily I can get them both at B&Q and the parking is free.

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According to my chocolate advent calendar, it's two days until Christmas

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I can't be arsed taking down all the Christmas decorations so I'm thinking of converting my house into a Chinese restaurant.

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Over Christmas I've been waking up at 7pm, wanking 8 times a day, eating cold beans straight from the can and washing them down with Aldi vodka. So no change there.

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I just found out my elderly neighbour in her 90s was on their own yesterday, so I went over to borrow her spare chairs.

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Spare a thought for all the people who will be homeless this Christmas. Prince Andrew for example.

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me.."I'm trying to get over my addiction to calendar stealing." bob. "How's it going?" me,,"Not bad. I'm taking it one day at a time".

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Just saw my first Christmas jumper. He leapt off the multi-storey car park.

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Now that all the Christmas presents are unwrapped it's time for the next tradition of the day: Putting them on eBay.

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Went to the Christmas party with an ugly sweater. aka my girlfriend.

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Last year I bought my 5-year old nephew a jigsaw for Christmas. Terrible idea as it turns out, 10 minutes after he'd opened it he'd sawed off 2 of his fingers!

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After getting detained in Israel this year, surely Greta Thunberg deserves a lump of coal in her stocking this Christmas.

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A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

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Last christmas eve I left the pub early, thought I should get home early while its christmas. Anyway, I found the missus sprawled out on the bed in a sexy santa outfit, gripping her left tit and moaning, just then the wardrobe door opened and Harry my next door neighbour came out with just a santa hat on and a white beard. I shouted Harry FFS, the wifes having an heart attack here and your trying to frighten her...sheesh!

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Every year for Christmas my grandma buys me big black vibrating anal toys. Well, actually she gives me Amazon vouchers but that's what I spend them on.

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During the cold weather the fire service have advised not to plug electric heaters into extension leads as it may cause a fire. Fucking idiots. Fire obviously makes your house warmer.

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