I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

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I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

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According to my chocolate advent calendar, it's two days until Christmas

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This Christmas tree I bought is terrible. I haven't seen this many needles on the ground since I walked past Ibrox.

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Spare a thought for all the people who will be homeless this Christmas. Prince Andrew for example.

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me.."I'm trying to get over my addiction to calendar stealing." bob. "How's it going?" me,,"Not bad. I'm taking it one day at a time".

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Just saw my first Christmas jumper. He leapt off the multi-storey car park.

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A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

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Last christmas eve I left the pub early, thought I should get home early while its christmas. Anyway, I found the missus sprawled out on the bed in a sexy santa outfit, gripping her left tit and moaning, just then the wardrobe door opened and Harry my next door neighbour came out with just a santa hat on and a white beard. I shouted Harry FFS, the wifes having an heart attack here and your trying to frighten her...sheesh!

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Every year for Christmas my grandma buys me big black vibrating anal toys. Well, actually she gives me Amazon vouchers but that's what I spend them on.

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During the cold weather the fire service have advised not to plug electric heaters into extension leads as it may cause a fire. Fucking idiots. Fire obviously makes your house warmer.

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