I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today but what a bunch of miserable bastards they are in the local swimming pool.
Siblings garry6291 🥉 (258) · 12-02-2026 1943What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.
Political Stallion 🥉 (600) · 01-03-2026 1035Walking around Liverpool with my missus she said to me, "What are all these bits of chocolate bars that are left everywhere? I've seen loads, " "They're Mars bars, " I replied, "it's the bit that helps you work. "
Scousers Kimjongreject (284) · 16-02-2026 1757I went on an African Safari and got lost. Somehow,I stumbled across a tribe that rarely makes contact with society. ' What do you do with yourselves all day? ' I asked the chief. ' We hunt and fuck, ' he replied. ' What do you hunt, ' I enquired. ' Anything we can fuck, ' he said.
General Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 06-03-2026 1020I asked my Greek girlfriend if I could try it in the 'other hole'. "No,"she replied, "I don't want to get pregnant."
Sex n Shit Stallion 🥉 (600) · 28-02-2026 1415I sleep better when I'm naked. I just wish the passengers on this flight were a bit more understanding.
Aviation shotgunpsycho (69) · 25-02-2026 2321Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.
Silly garry6291 🥉 (258) · 21-02-2026 1331As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine. "No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. ' But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.
Wife Kimjongreject (284) · 19-02-2026 1053Sadly my obese parrot has died from over eating . At least it's a huge weight off my shoulders .
Disability garry6291 🥉 (258) · 12-02-2026 1244I'm not saying I'm a hard bastard... but my birth mark is shaped like a coat hanger.
Murder/Death/Killing Stallion 🥉 (600) · 05-03-2026 2027There's a big orange rabbit walking round our village telling everyone that I'm not taking my medication.
General Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 05-03-2026 1001I recently discovered that a man has been sending my wife sexy lingerie in the post. All I'll say is this: Watch your back, John Lewis. Watch your fucking back.
Sex n Shit garry6291 🥉 (258) · 01-03-2026 1633Many years ago,the Spanish discovered a new country and they called it Argentina, which means ' land of silver '. Then they discovered Nigeria.
Racist Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 25-02-2026 1120Paedophiles are nasty, irritating bastards.But,to be fair,you will never see them speeding near schools or nurseries.
Pedophile Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 21-02-2026 1048I went to the dentist today and he said I should have a crown. I thought, At last! Someone who really understands me.
General Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 20-02-2026 1054My phone rang unexpectedly. ' Hello, this is Mr Richardson here, your son's music teacher. ' ' Hi,how can I help you? ' I asked. ' I think we have another Elvis on our hands, ' Mr Richardson said. ' Really! I didn't realise he was so talented, ' I replied. ' He isn't.We found him dead in the toilet when he went for a shit, ' Mr Richardson said.
General Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 19-02-2026 1111I broke up with my girlfriend when she confessed that she used to walk the streets and fuck random people. I could never date a traffic warden.
Prostitution / Sex Worker Stallion 🥉 (600) · 18-02-2026 0932A solicitor calls his wealthy art collector client and says, "Sir Ian, I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The client replied, "I've had an tough day. Give me the good news first!" The lawyer said, "Well, I met with Lady Pamela today, and she informed me that she just invested £50,000 in some pictures that she thinks will soon be worth about £50 million, I've looked at them and I think she could be right." Sir Ian replied enthusiastically, "Wow, that's incredible, my wife is a shrewd investor and I never even knew it, you've just made my day! Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and some rent boys in a motel."
Sex n Shit DdraigGoch (216) · 14-02-2026 2210Just received my Valentine's card off Moonpig. She hates it when i call her that.
Sex n Shit garry6291 🥉 (258) · 14-02-2026 2007My son asked me if he was adopted. "Of course not," I replied, "I wouldn't have chosen a useless little cunt like you."
Dark Stallion 🥉 (600) · 11-03-2026 1620Hamish lived a very frugal life in the Highlands. One day he came home to find his cottage had been burgled. His few possessions had been scattered across the floor but nothing had been stolen. Hamish noticed that the burglar had taken a shit in the big pot of stew he had made that morning. Hamish was annoyed that he had to throw half of it away.
Crime Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 09-03-2026 1014I saw a black man with seven fingers today. Turns out he was eating a Kit-Kat.
Racist Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 04-03-2026 1008I was so hungover this morning I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I turned it on.
Alcohol/Drugs Stallion 🥉 (600) · 03-03-2026 0736A black man picks up a white woman in a nightclub. When they get home the woman says, ' Come on then,show me what they say about black men is true.' So he stabbed her and stole her purse.
Racist Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 01-03-2026 1118I always feel so proud when I tell people that some of my father's work is currently on display at the Tate Gallery in London. He painted all the skirting boards there.
General Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 26-02-2026 1052I was parked in a disabled zone, when a traffic warden knocked on my window. "What's your disability then?," he asked. "Tourettes," I replied, "Now fuck off, you cunt."
Disability Stallion 🥉 (600) · 23-02-2026 1541My brother said, "I've just seen your girlfriends number written on a toilet wall. " "So fucking what, " I replied, "how do you think I met her. "
Sexist Kimjongreject (284) · 22-02-2026 0859I found a lump underneath my wife's breast. Nothing to worry about, it was just her kneecap.
Wife Stallion 🥉 (600) · 21-02-2026 1501Apparently " Harder" is not a good choice of safe-word
Rape / Sexual Violence Jimfixeditforme (72) · 21-02-2026 1258My missus was moaning and said I should try walking a mile in her shoes. Pfftt, stupid cow, she obviously has no Idea what I get up to when she fucks off to bingo.
Trans Rubbish Kimjongreject (284) · 21-02-2026 0702The Flintstones cartoon has been syndicated to parts of the middle East. Apparently the people of Dubai don't like it. But the people of Abu Dhabi do!
General DdraigGoch (216) · 17-02-2026 2039They say that one out of every four people has the potential to be a serial killer. So I killed three of my closest friends. I should be safe now.
Death Stallion 🥉 (600) · 15-02-2026 1235I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.
Wife Stallion 🥉 (600) · 14-02-2026 1600Add a hilarious twist to a classic practical joke. Fill your Nan's whoopee cushion with gravy!
Silly DdraigGoch (216) · 10-03-2026 2208My bird said she doesn't finger herself when she's on her period. Today I caught her red-handed.
Masturbation supergalley 🥇 🥇 🥇 (855) · 10-03-2026 0427Two men are out walking, they decide to go off in different directions, walking for 5 miles each, then they turn around and walk back again and tell each other about their adventures. They meet up, and the first man hasn't anything to report. The second one says, "I came across a lady tied to a railway track. I untied her and then made wild passionate love with her". "Wow," says the other guy, "did you get a blowjob too?" "No. I couldn't find the head".
Sex n Shit Allobosca 🥈 🥈 (153) · 09-03-2026 2157Was at the dentist today and it took almost an hour for me to be seen. Why is the reception desk so high?
Dad Jokes garry6291 🥉 (258) · 09-03-2026 1828What's the difference between a family reunion and a 69er? In a 69er you only have to kiss one cunt.
Sex n Shit Allobosca 🥈 🥈 (153) · 09-03-2026 0910I would like to wish a special "Happy Women's Day" to Siri and Alexa, the only women who listen to me.
In The News shotgunpsycho (69) · 08-03-2026 1957Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays? Because he puts his fags out in the pool
Celebrities Allobosca 🥈 🥈 (153) · 07-03-2026 0843I was watching some children playing in the park. The bloke next to me said, "Mines the little girl playing with her doll. Which one's yours?" "I don't know," I replied, "I haven't decided yet."
Pedophile Stallion 🥉 (600) · 06-03-2026 2135I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
Adult garry6291 🥉 (258) · 06-03-2026 1930I had to see my GP yesterday with dizzy spells, he has told me that I need to masturbate more often. Well, what he actually said was "Mr Goch, you may have a stroke any time!"
Masturbation DdraigGoch (216) · 06-03-2026 09501990s - two fellas talking in the pub: "My grandfather turned 100 last week, still got all his marbles, had a telegram from the Queen." "That's nothing, my niece turned 15, got a phone call from Prince Andrew!"
Epstein Enquiry DdraigGoch (216) · 06-03-2026 0930Had a bad hangover this morning so I had a Berocca. It didn't really help but it did make the vodka taste better.
Alcohol/Drugs ianwatkins 🥈 (614) · 05-03-2026 1324Me: "Go fuck yourself, you cunt." Lady in the queue: "Excuse me, my 10 year old son can hear you." Me: "That's who I was talking to."
Offensive Stallion 🥉 (600) · 03-03-2026 2127When the waiter brought my meal to the table I said, ' Why have you got your thumb on the steak? ' ' I don't want to drop it again,sir ' he replied.
General Squeaky 🥉 (385) · 03-03-2026 1002