My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."

0 comments

My mate has OCD, so I bought him a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

0 comments

Just about to watch Big Naughty Anal Sluts 3, but if I haven't seen the first two, will I still be able to follow the story?

1 comment

The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

0 comments

There's a woman in our pub who is so ugly that if she gives you a blowjob it counts as anal.

0 comments

The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

0 comments

Jake Paul felt like he was hit by a truck Anthony Joshua.... hold my beer!

0 comments

' Why does everyone think that Chinese people look the same,father? ' said the small Chinese boy. ' I don't know, ' replied the man, ' and by the way,I am not your father. '

0 comments

I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

0 comments

Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

0 comments

I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.

0 comments

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

0 comments

If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..

0 comments

After cutting my female neighbours grass she knocked on my door and said "Thank you, I could marry you!" What's the world coming to, you do something nice for someone and they threaten to fuck your life up beyond belief?

0 comments

A young mum I know posted on Facebook "My toddler crawled under the garden fence today lol. Nails and wood will be out tomorrow." xxx I thought, fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh for just doing that ......

1 comment

I told myself I shouldn't drink so much. However, I'm not going to listen to a drunken cunt who talks to himself.

0 comments

Our family were so poor that my mother used to send me next door with a button and ask our neighbour to sew a shirt on it.

0 comments

I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now i feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

1 comment

It had been playing on my mind for some time and I just had to find out. ' Mum, am I adopted? ' I asked. ' No,son ' she replied. 'We did put you up for adoption once but nobody wanted you.'

0 comments

Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

0 comments

This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.

0 comments

When I was in high school there was a girl in my class called Bernie. Her full name wasn't Bernadette or Bernice, it was Susan. She just had 3rd degree burns all over her face.

0 comments

Some people say I'm a bigot but at least I'll admit there are 37 genders. Male, female and 35 kinds of faggot.

0 comments

I said to my mate, "Did you know that hamsters die after sex?" "I don't think they do," he replied. "Well, the one I fucked did," I said.

0 comments

When my wife saw my face, after all this time, she burst into tears. It was then that she realised... Witness Protection is a joke.

0 comments

I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

0 comments

What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

0 comments

The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?" "Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same fucking dog!"

0 comments

Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

0 comments

There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

0 comments

My wife left me today. I'm gutted, I'd just bought a seesaw.

0 comments

Rosie Jones said when she was younger that she wanted to be a comedian when she grew up. They all laughed. Well they’re not laughing now!!! 🤣

0 comments

My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.

0 comments

I think I might have something wrong with one of my testicles. The middle one is hanging lower than the other two.

0 comments

A bloke shouted across the lake..:"how do I get to the other side"?.. I shouted back....." Your on the other side"!

0 comments

Ten years ago I swore I'd never drink at work again. Haven't touched a job since.

0 comments

At her front door she kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Would you like to stay here tonight?" "No," I replied and walked away. Why would I want to stand outside her house all night?

0 comments

I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

0 comments

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

0 comments

I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

0 comments

I got a job as a bellhop in a swanky hotel. On my first day the manager said 'Please show this couple up.' I said 'Well his tailor is awful, and judging by the age difference she's only with him for his money.'

0 comments

Gemma Collins,always handy to have around when you need to close a over packed suitcase.

0 comments

Bit of a drop on. Those who have been burned beyond recognition in Switzerland, are only 70 miles away from Dignatas

0 comments

Every New Year's Eve I go to the annual Bulimic's Ball. It's always heaving. (and there's no fat birds)

0 comments

Knowing there would be lots of kissing on New Years Eve, I decided to shave off the moustache, unfortunately she woke up when I sprayed the shaving foam on her face.

0 comments

I realise now that I should have told my three kids not to play with matches. Anyway, I've told my two kids not to do it again.

0 comments

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

1 comment

For Sale: Bottles of sauce. HP available.

0 comments

To all those who received a book off me for Christmas: they're due back at the library on the 2nd of January.

0 comments

I've been trying to find out from the wife all week how her treatment went for frigidity. She's remaining very tight lipped though.

0 comments