Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

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I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

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I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

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I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.

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My new girlfriend said I should buy her some flowers. I said why spend money on something that's going to be dead in a few days?

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I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

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My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow. I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

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An Amazon driver asked me the time...I said it's between 9am and 8pm

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

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Q: What do you get a pregnant teen for Christmas? A: A coat hanger.

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An alien walks into a bar. He's 9 foot tall, bright green, silver suit, 28 tentacles, the whole shebang. Everyone's stunned into silence, however the landlord who's used to keeping his cool says, "Welcome stranger. Would you like a pint of bitter?" "No thank you," says the alien "I'm into Stella."

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Exotic foods: English - Pot Noodle. Cambodian - Pol Pot Noodle. Korean - Dog Noodle. Scottish - Och aye The Noo-dle.

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"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green. " I said. "I didn't know snooker was still on, I thought it had finished, " replied my wife. "It has, " I answered, "I'm watching the council bin man. "

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All 7 dwarfs were on a bus feeling grumpy. So Grumpy got off.

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I came home from work and found my girlfriend dressed in a cute little police uniform. She said, “YOU’RE UNDER ARREST ON A CHARGE OF BEING AMAZING IN BED!!!” Two minutes later she had to drop the charges due to lack of evidence.

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A scouse couple was on their first date, decided to go to a vegan restaurant. Looking at the menu, the man asks; "Eh love do you like avacado?" Women replies: "No, I haven't even passed me driving test"

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According to my chocolate advent calendar, it's two days until Christmas

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This Christmas tree I bought is terrible. I haven't seen this many needles on the ground since I walked past Ibrox.

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I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW. Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later.

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Easily stop your wife from sucking her thumb by drawing a cock on it.

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My wife found out I’d replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

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I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane

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So i've decked the halls as the song suggested. Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

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Waiter: "What would sir like to drink?" Guy: "Oh what non alcoholic beers are there?" Waiter: "Would you like crayons and a colouring book with that?"

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I rang the paranoia society this morning. The girl at the other end said How did you get this number?

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Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

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Spare a thought for all the people who will be homeless this Christmas. Prince Andrew for example.

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Just got myself a second hand diver's watch. I'd have had the drowned cunt's scuba tanks too if they weren't so heavy.

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We were watching a film on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen top and starts to make love to her, "Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens. " "I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that gets fucked in our kitchen is the food. "

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I hate being dyslexic, especially at Christmas. I've had so many punches and slaps because I often get 'Cameltoe' and Mistletoe' mixed up. But you try explaining that to a judge.

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I went to see my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

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Supergalley, thanks again for setting this up. Ive got a ton of old jokes from the old siki (going back more than 10 years) and I will post em here periodically. Also, i'm a network administrator, not sure if you need one of them but if my skills can help your site then i'm happy to help.

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I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins. I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden…

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While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?" Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No." "Is that your final answer?" I asked. "Yes," she said firmly. "Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend." And that’s when the fight began.

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As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

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My girlfriend found out that I'm an organ trafficker. "How can you do that?," she screamed, "you don't have a heart." "Actually, I have four," I replied.

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My son has the same colour eyes as my wife. Neither of them have learnt to duck when they piss me off.

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Nine out of ten voices in my head say I'm not crazy. The other one is humming the Tetris theme.

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My wife as looking at an evening dress in an expensive shop, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said. "Yes, " I replied, "I wonder if they have it in your shape. "

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A man came into my antique shop earlier today and made an offer for a vase. We haggled for a bit, then he said, "What's the lowest you're prepared to go?" So I showed him photos of me wearing a gimp mask with the wife sh***ing in my mouth.'

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me.."I'm trying to get over my addiction to calendar stealing." bob. "How's it going?" me,,"Not bad. I'm taking it one day at a time".

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Statistically 5 out 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.

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When it comes to Christmas cookery shows Delia Smith pisses all over Nigella Lawson. Thanks, AI porn generator.

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Just saw my first Christmas jumper. He leapt off the multi-storey car park.

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A factory which makes prosthetic limbs for overweight people was broken into last night. Police have warned the public not to approach the culprits if they see them as they will be heavily armed.

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So the Government rolling out big time facial recognition cameras....I wouldn't be surprised that in a few years they'll even be including White faces.

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Statistics suggest that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape! (Let's get some of the old classics posted back up).

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BBC News: King Charles welcomes German president on state visit. He said "Didn't you guys used to have kings too? Oh, now I remember. This chemo really messes with my memory."

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NURSERY RHYMES UPDATED FOR THE 21st CENTURY Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won ten grand with Claims Direct. It's raining, it's pouring Of course it’s global warming. Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties Now he can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes. Georgie Porgie pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry When the boys came out to play He kissed them too coz he was gay. Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon 10,000 volts went up it's arse And turned it's wool to nylon.

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I was raised as an only child ...which I think was hard for my sister.

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