I asked my Greek girlfriend if I could try it in the 'other hole'. "No,"she replied, "I don't want to get pregnant."

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I recently discovered that a man has been sending my wife sexy lingerie in the post. All I'll say is this: Watch your back, John Lewis. Watch your fucking back.

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A solicitor calls his wealthy art collector client and says, "Sir Ian, I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The client replied, "I've had an tough day. Give me the good news first!" The lawyer said, "Well, I met with Lady Pamela today, and she informed me that she just invested £50,000 in some pictures that she thinks will soon be worth about £50 million, I've looked at them and I think she could be right." Sir Ian replied enthusiastically, "Wow, that's incredible, my wife is a shrewd investor and I never even knew it, you've just made my day! Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and some rent boys in a motel."

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Just received my Valentine's card off Moonpig. She hates it when i call her that.

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Two men are out walking, they decide to go off in different directions, walking for 5 miles each, then they turn around and walk back again and tell each other about their adventures. They meet up, and the first man hasn't anything to report. The second one says, "I came across a lady tied to a railway track. I untied her and then made wild passionate love with her". "Wow," says the other guy, "did you get a blowjob too?" "No. I couldn't find the head".

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What's the difference between a family reunion and a 69er? In a 69er you only have to kiss one cunt.

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For Valentine's Day I'm giving my girlfriend something very special, a bottle of vintage perfume. I got it in Salisbury in 2018.

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I'll never forget when I came home early one day to find my parents having sex. It was the worst twenty minutes of my life.

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What is the similarity between a woman and a KFC mega bucket? You start on the leg, move on to the breast and at the end of the evening you've got a greasy box to put your bone in!

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I got fired from the golf club today. A group of 6 women came in and all I asked was "18 holes?"

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The doctor was puzzled when he saw that my penis was covered in liquorice. "What have you been up to?," he asked. "Fucking Allsorts," I replied.

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Single ladies...if you're hungry, or feeling a little insecure, I'm available on both Pancake and Valentine's day this year. X.

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How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her up the arse, then wipe your cock on the curtains.

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My wife likes to talk during sex. Last week she phoned me from the back of a car.

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What should you do if a bird craps on your car? Never take her out again

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I called in at a village pub for a quiet pint. When I went to the toilet I couldn't believe my eyes. There was a man leaning over the sink and a ginger haired bloke shagging him up the arse.There was also another man shagging the ginger haired bloke up the arse at the same time. When I went back to the bar and told the barman what I had seen he just shrugged his shoulders and said the ginger haired bloke was quite lucky at dominoes as well.

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Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, superhot, and seems different to most guys she's met. They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom and she immediately notices a shelf unit full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle there are medium-sized bears, and the top full of large teddies; all neatly displayed in rows. She now begins to think that he's sentimental, sensitive and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she feels an overwhelming urge to give him the best night of his life. She therefore starts off by giving him a porn-style sloppy blowjob before offering use of the other two holes....in fact she completely gives her all to the session! In the morning, she's slowly dressing and noticing him waking, so asks: "How was that?" He yawns and replies: "Not bad at all. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

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